— bonus —

It starts with Gladion. Because of fucking course it does. They’re at the Battle Tree, just watching challengers instead of running through the gauntlet themselves. It still comes out of nowhere for him though.

“Is it okay to like guys?”

“Yeah? Jus’ means you’re gay – unless it’s me you like, in which case I gotta say I’m flattered but I’m both straight and taken.”

The utter look of disgust on Gladion’s pretty face is a thing of beauty to Guzma. “Ugh, no, Miss Dahlia can have you – even if she’s way too good for you.”

Guzma answered with a wry grin, “I know she is – why do you think I work so hard to keep in her good graces.”

There was a moment of contemplation. “Well, even though you’re an idiot, you’re a smart man.” Gladion chuckles as he leans against the railing above the challengers – despite being okay trainers, the battle was a bore to watch due to the overuse of stalling tactics. The boy makes a considering sound. “Is it okay to like girls too?”

Guzma scoffed, “So yer bi, no shame in it. I like the ladies (“One lady,” Gladion fake coughs under his breath), but I can appreciate a nice looking man myself.”

“But is it okay when I’m like this?”

“Like what?” Guzma frowned and turned away from the utterly un-exciting battle to look at the boy. “A wet behind the ears virgin?”

“I mean… the fact that my sex and gender aren’t the same.” Gladion said quietly, face flushed.

Guzma made a slight choking sound, not expecting that. “Wait, what!? You’re trans?”

“Fucking Arceus, you don’t have to yell!” Gladion hissed. “It’s not like I do much to hide it. Why the hell do you think I go so far away from camp to take away piss?”

“Honestly, I just thought you Kalosians were just prudes.” Gladion made an indignant sound in response. “But, no, seriously, I didn’t realize you weren’t born in a male body kid. You’re 100% boy to me.”

This time, the flush crossing Gladion’s features is from pleasure and not embarrassment. He looks away but Guzma can see a trace of a smile. “Thanks Guzma.”

Well then… that suddenly explained why the hell he never had problems buying the right tampons for Plumeria. Didn’t change a thing for Guzma though. “It’s still fine if you like both, you brat, although it does mean you might want to mention that you’re equipment’s different before you get to second base.”

×××

And then it was Hau. After a long work out, the two of them decide to hit up the Malasada shop in Hau’oli City. They’re just sitting down with their food when Hau drops a bombshell.

“Is it okay to like more than one person at the same time?”

Guzma side eyed the young trainer, wondering where he was going. “Yeah, although if you’re talking about who I think you are, two timing would not be a good idea.” He wasn’t quite sure if Hau was interested in Gladion or Lillie (although he knows Gladion at least liked Hau), but hurting either would likely mean death by former science experiment. And Moon can, and will, flatten him if Hau broke her heart, no questions asked.

“But what if I want to be with them at the same time?”

Arceus damn it – he is not going to have to explain polyamory, is he? “I… would ask them out I guess, but explain that you want to all be together. And if they like you, and maybe like each other, you guys could try it?”

Hau nodded as he listened, making noises of contemplation. “That seems so easy – why didn’t I think of that? I dunno why I was considering hollow cakes, jelly donuts, and a bunch of streamers…”

Guzma did not want to know. Nope, not at all. “Why are you asking me anyways?”

“Well, Gramps sucks at any talks about this sorta thing – I had nightmares over the Pidgeys and the Beedrills when he tried to explain sex to me. And when I asked the professor he sorta laughed so hard he nearly passed out…. And there’s no way I can ask Moon’s mom so…”

“So I’m just convenient?”

“Naw, I would have asked you first but I was at Kukui’s when I realized and kinda blurted it out.”

Guzma huffed. “It’s fine kid. Good luck got it?” He ruffled Hau’s hair, to the young boy’s laughter. The two of them went back to their snacks, and the former Team Skull leader was regaled with tales of the brats who captured Hau’s heart.

It’s only after leaving that Guzma actually thought over their conversation. When the hell did he become the guy to give relationship advice?!

×××

But in the end, it’s Moon’s fault. The two of them are visiting Plumeria at the same time, and both decided that spending the day excavating in the sand would be a good use of their time. It’s hot, late in the afternoon, and Guzma presses a cold, sweating bottle of water against her cheek. “Here kid.”

Moon turns a bit and takes the bottle, smiling and responding with “Thanks Dad!”

The two of them stop and blink and Moon (unflappable Moon, freaking Alola Champion Moon) is flushing deep red despite her dark skin, and looks away, hands gripping the proffered bottle tightly. “Uh, um… sorry it’s just… I mean, you look after us and everything. And Gladion said you encouraged him to come out to us and gave Hau advice on asking us out and… well… you’re nice. Kinda like a dad, yanno? Or at least that’s what I heard from others… Is that okay?”

Guzma thought of his own old man – the yelling and the shouting and the clubs raining down on him – and kept his thoughts to himself. Moon, he’s heard, has only her mother and he knew Hau’s parents died when he was young and the less said about Gladion’s parents, the better.

“Yeah, I guess I am, sometimes. It’s fine kid.”

And if Moon’s shy but radiant smile warmed him a bit, and Plumeria started crowing on about being called “auntie”, well, no one needed to know.

(Guzma still tells Dahlia about it that night.
“Oh my god, that’s so cute!”
“I don’t want no damn brats! I’m not ready to be a dad!”
“Just think of it as practice for our own kids? Do you think they’ll call me stepmother?”
“We are not talking about kids right now, Arceus no. And you’re not their step mom!”
“You’re no fun, Papa~ I think family life looks good on you anyways!”
“…maybe in a few years, okay?”)

×××

After the party, Lillie comes up to Guzma and Dahlia with a contemplative look on her face. “Happy birthday again~” her cheerful words started, “I was wondering if you can buy me something before you two return home?”

Guzma frowned but nodded, “I’m not buying you booze but other than that? Probably?”

She clapped her hands in delight, a smile crossing her features.”No,if we need it we could probably grab some from Kahuna Hala’s stash. But I found we’re in need of condoms. Extra large ones, and whatever size you think Hau would be.”

There was several moments of silence — horrified silence, if you asked Guzma — before Dahlia started bursting out laughing.

“I’m… pretty sure no one’s equipped to use those extra large ones, unless you’re packing something I didn’t know about,” was the first thing Guzma could get out.

Lillie blushed hotly, “Ew, no, not for me. Not built like that. But I found this place in Kanto — did you know that their age of consent is really low? — and bought some things that Glady could use, but I read online that condoms make things go in better? Same with the… uh.. .actual thing.” Arceus, the girl was as red as an ariados.

There was a lot that Guzma could tease her about but, feeling generous he just shrugged. “Yer gunna make ol’ Guzma buy you shit on his birthday?” he groused, but it was said good naturally.

The blonde was already looking through her pockets. “Of course not, I have the cash, but Alola seems a lot more strict that other regions about it.” Money’s exchanged and Guzma and Dahlia make the most of it, heading to the nearest store to fight over brands and types and all that good things that come with being a responsible adult (And if they get some with themselves, well, Lillie did say to keep the change).

Guzma and Dahlia, who’s still chuckling over the whole event, drop the condoms, and some lube, copious amounts because Dahlia mentions that they’re dumb kids who probably wouldn’t remember that, and bring it to the motel on Route 2 that Lillie was staying at. She opens the door, flushed but smiling as she takes the bag with a thank you. By the amount of yelling he could hear inside, it did seem they were able

The whole flight back to Dahlia’s place, the two adults laughed about the amount of jokes they could make at the kids’ expense tomorrow.